Wow! What a warm welcome from the bloggers out there! Thanx for all the encouragement.
A couple of years ago, I started to write a book about relationships. I thought I could cash in on all the valuable "life lessons" to which I have been so mercilessly exposed. I also thought that maybe others could benefit from my experience. Here's a funny dating story that nobody could possibly benefit from.


I’VE NEVER BEEN HOTTER…NOT!
Okay girls, here is an example of one of my favorite personal dating experiences, with notes at the end pointing out some wrong and right moves on my part and his.
We’ll call him “Farty Von Poopy-pants” or something of the like. At first glance, he was friendly, attractive, respectful…a true gentleman. I met him through my softball league at an all-star game about four months after my engagement to Smokey was terminated. We only exchanged a few words, but a few days later, he was asking around for people to fix us up. On the first date, he showed up with a huge bouquet of flowers. He took me to dinner and drinks, followed by a lovely long walk along the Frazer River. The conversation flowed and I actually thought there could be some chemistry. We had a lot in common in terms of music, view-points, and humour, so I agreed to join him at his friend’s barbecue the following Monday. The mood at the barbecue was light as we joked and played bocci-ball, and I really saw myself fitting in nicely with his friends. Could this be the one?
On the third date, I was really starting to like this guy. I went to his home, where he had steaks marinating, potatoes roasting, and a nice salad all tossed in its bowl. Wow, somebody pinch me! The man can cook! When he greeted me, he lifted me right off my feet, and squeezed me tight. Hey! Sexy! And then it happened. As he was flipping the steaks on the grill, whistling all the while, I heard two little farts, escape from his nether region. All I could think of was how embarrassed he must be, so I let it go casually and without comment while he, in passing, said, “Oops! Tooting!”
On the next date, we ordered sushi and rented one of the only Adam Sandler movies that stunk worse than my date’s dinner-time etiquette. Well, it must have been a bad omen, ‘cause to my astonishment, he farted while snuggling me on his couch! Try and picture it. My back, to his front, spooning, leather furniture, you do the math. And let me make myself clear. It’s not like he tried to hold it, like the rest of the world would, praying and making deals with God just to keep those cheeks together. I could feel the muscles in his stomach contract whilst he farted “God Save the Queen” into the leather cushion. Classy.
` Believe it or not, there was one more date after that one, in which the exact same thing happened while snuggling on the couch. He even rubbed my leg tenderly and whispered, “Excuse me” into my hair. Okay, so that was it for “Flatchy Mc Crapmeister” and me. I jumped up and told him that he was disgusting, and made a timely escape. I barely had the club off my steering wheel by the time I got to my sister’s house to tell her of my ordeal. I never heard from him again.
Okay kids, can you see what happened here?
#1) Nice move on his part for not farting while lifting me up off my feet. Way to restrain yourself, “Tootie Von-fluff’nstein”
#2) In fairness, dinner was nice, every woman likes a man who can and will cook.
#3) Thumbs down for me not making tracks after the first time he farted on the couch. Before that, when he crapped himself while cooking our dinner, it could have been an embarrassing accident. After that, it’s just disrespectful.
#4) Thumbs up to me for not repeating past mistakes. AKA getting the hell out of there rather than making excuses as to why a grown man wouldn’t know that that’s a turn off for any self respecting woman.
#5) and to “Poopy St. Stinky-bum,” on what planet IS this a turn-on for women?!?
When a person behaves in a way that you disapprove of so early in getting to know each other, you have to nip it in the bud. Now, I could have sat him down and talked to him about how it made me feel disrespected and insulted when he did that. But I just don’t think I should have to tell a guy who’s knockin’ on forty that that was inappropriate. Also, we all know that the way we act at the beginning of a relationship is not representative of how we behave on a regular basis. Let’s face it. We’re all on our best behaviour. If he’s crapping himself every time he sees me within the first two weeks of knowing me, I shudder to think of what it would be like a year down the road! Can you imagine sitting around Christmas dinner with the family when “Gassy Van Breakin’Winder” lets one go?!?